why is every blog I find when I hit the "next blog" on my page a spanking fetish journal
I can take a hint, you know
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Hive
Remember Blood Monkey? Probably not, since none of you people apparently ever read it. ;_; Well, for a refresher course, it was a terrible movie about a bunch of grad students getting killed by a group of hyper-intelligent chimps so terrifying to behold that the movie didn't show you them until literally the second-to-last minute of the film. It was the first film in the MANEATER series, a depressingly long list of films about X monster (ranging, according to the wiki, from earthworms to yetis to wryvens) killing people with as little a budget as possible except for having a washed-up celebrity in a supporting (but never starring) role. So, now we have THE HIVE, about a bunch of ants killing people with as little a budget as possible. Blood Monkey had F. Murray Abraham for its marquee star, and for this, we have Tom Wopat. You know, Luke Duke.
At first, The Hive was looking like basically another ugly, vile deathfest like Blood Monkey. The opening sequence features a mother and infant in some isolated jungle hut being devoured by army ants. No, they don't show the baby being eaten, but we see an ant getting ready to sink its mandibles into the crying eye of the baby, before a quick cut and a painful scream. At this point, every indication is that it's gonna be just the same shit as Blood Monkey full of painful deaths of characters we're not necessarily supposed to hate, with a total bummer ending.
WRONG.
I'm not sure if the Syfy network sat on the studio behind the Maneater series to do something less dark and morbid, but to my boredom, they managed to make The Hive into Every Syfy Original in the Past Three Years (tm). You know the pattern, because whether the subject matter is about killer ants, an evil global warming computer, or zombies, your Syfy Original is going to have certain aspects immutable traits:
1) Some sort of cool science organization. Think back to all those Originals you watched. Far more often than not, there is some sort of private organization made up of cool guys that do cool science stuff. It makes sense, as since every Syfy series is basically the same concept of a bunch of nerds doing cool adventures. Here, the group is THORAX INDUSTRIES, which seems to be what happens is you mix Terminix with Xe. They're called down to deal with the ensuing flood of army ants taking over an Philippine island, aided by actual Filipinos who don't actually know language, because the only other explanation for their diction is that the director told the actors to "sound how a racist southerner would imagine you talk." They also haveembarrassing cool science guns that remove the photoshop filters that pass for the encrouching ant armies, and you will see them fire over and over and over again.
At first, The Hive was looking like basically another ugly, vile deathfest like Blood Monkey. The opening sequence features a mother and infant in some isolated jungle hut being devoured by army ants. No, they don't show the baby being eaten, but we see an ant getting ready to sink its mandibles into the crying eye of the baby, before a quick cut and a painful scream. At this point, every indication is that it's gonna be just the same shit as Blood Monkey full of painful deaths of characters we're not necessarily supposed to hate, with a total bummer ending.
WRONG.
I'm not sure if the Syfy network sat on the studio behind the Maneater series to do something less dark and morbid, but to my boredom, they managed to make The Hive into Every Syfy Original in the Past Three Years (tm). You know the pattern, because whether the subject matter is about killer ants, an evil global warming computer, or zombies, your Syfy Original is going to have certain aspects immutable traits:
1) Some sort of cool science organization. Think back to all those Originals you watched. Far more often than not, there is some sort of private organization made up of cool guys that do cool science stuff. It makes sense, as since every Syfy series is basically the same concept of a bunch of nerds doing cool adventures. Here, the group is THORAX INDUSTRIES, which seems to be what happens is you mix Terminix with Xe. They're called down to deal with the ensuing flood of army ants taking over an Philippine island, aided by actual Filipinos who don't actually know language, because the only other explanation for their diction is that the director told the actors to "sound how a racist southerner would imagine you talk." They also have
if you can imagine, the actual video looks even worse than this.
2) Teeth-gratingly terrible romance. Here, our romance is between the head of Thorax and some university professor who believes that ants should be studied, not killed! The screenwriter can't even get this wacky rivalry to work romantically, so after a few scenes of awkward bickering you just get shit like the woman slow-motion walking out of an airport and the guy giving her some cool info and then like "WELL I THINK THE PRICE OF THIS INTEL SHOULD BE A KISS ON THE MOUTH." Mock Hallmark films all you like, at least the ones I've seen weren't written by robots or 13-year-old boys (functionally the same thing).
3) A total lack of sadistic/gory kills. Aside from the opening scene, this movie is about as vanilla as a modern horror about killer ants could be. While I'm glad that there wasn't alot of weird emotional suffering, I was less glad that like four people actually die in this movie, and when they do it's just "ant filter covers person, copy/paste skeleton on top." While I understand this when the movie is about alien artifact tornadoes, but one generally expects that a movie about killer swarms of ants is going to have more than one grisly death scene (especially when the dvd box is of a bloody screaming woman covered in ants). I don't want to sound like some creepy gorehound, but designating yourself as the Maneater series usually means having more than one death in the second half of your film.
(Disclaimer: No white women are actually killed in this movie.)
(Also, sure there's lots of good reason they couldn't call this "The Colony," since that's what a group of ants is called you fucking buffoons)
3) Stupid Shoehorned Development versus Misunderstanding Government Dweebs. Granted, this is more of a hallmark of bad scifi in general, but I've never seen a Syfy original that didn't follow the whole "small incident -> bigger incident attracting notice -> realization of a completely bizarre reason for incidents -> government stooges refusing to believe reason until it is (almost) too late. Here, we discover that the ants are being controlled by an extraterrestrial intelligence resulting in a BINARY ANT COMPUTER which is basically a bunch of interlocking ant cubes with electricity coming through it, and CGI ant fists. Eventually, the heroes discover that the ants want the island, but the Filipino governor doesn't want to give in because doing that would ruin the island. So, his solution is to...nuke the island. Okay?
So, you might be wondering where Tom Wopat is in this. Well, he's the second in command in Thorax, but early in the film an ant crawls into his brain, and starts controlling him like Plankton v. Spongebob. Now, you might think this would lead to some situation where Wopat starts to subtly pave the way for the ants, but instead all the ant seems capable of doing is giving spooky flashbacks to dead bodies and forcing Wopat to mumble in every scene he's in. I honestly felt bad for the the guy, as at least Abraham in Blood Monkey got a role where he got to act all mad scientist like and wave his arms around. Wopat's inspiration seems to have been "pretend mental retardation and mug for the camera when you want to convery pain."
At the end, despite the ant still being in his brain, he somehow is firmly in the anti-ant contingent, actually smuggling in some explosive when he, hero, and heroine go to negotiate with the ants. Then the ants turn into a giant ant (instead of throwing the nuke in the water because they're not that smart after all), heroine throws a pheremone into the ants that termporarily disables them, including the ant in Wopat's brain, though this changes nothing and he explodes. Despite the explosion being weak enough that the other two are fine hiding behind a rock literally ten feet away, this still somehow forces out the super ant intelligence, which is a giant earwig of pure energy, where it goes into the sky and explodes. Also, yes, there is a the twist ending where the ant colony is rebuilding itself five minutes later.
The whole ant brain control thing is literally the only interesting part of this film, so of course the writing completely bungles it. After all, if the ant was controlling his brain, why would it be manipulating him into smuggling the bomb into his own colony? My only guess was that it was to derail the peace negotiations or cover the tracks of the other giant ant colony, that doesn't explain why the ants didn't just have him use the nuke at the human's camp, or why the ants seemed totally freaked out by the bomb. And this is all assuming the subplot was meant to have deep complex connotations, as opposed to it being there for the sake of plot convenience.
Overall, this movie is somehow worse than Blood Monkey. While the latter was a complete mess of mean-spirited ball-hiding garbage, its cruelty was at least something to fixate on. Here, we have a limp-wristed little creature feature with three plots that seem to go nowhere, generic characters that seem to disappear and reappear when the movie demands it, and CGI that, while serviceable, is used so often in the same hackneyed ways that it's the equivalent of those railing deaths from Space Mutiny.
god, why wouldn't you call it the colony...
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Tales From the Hood (1995)
s Why are black-centric horror films generally pretty awful? By black-centric, I mean the modern trend of hollywood equating movies with a black cast to have some sort of an "urban" bent. Generally, this sorts of films are the most generic possible plots with the addition of some terrible THUG LIFE aspect. I rarely see them in video stores, but apparently there's some dark and sinister subsection of BET that's producing them, since they seem to premiere a new take on "VAMPIRE GANGSTER HEIST INSERT WEED JOKE HERE" every month or so.
There are exceptions, of course. Most would probably point to The People Under the Stairs and Candyman, films that used the whole notion of black people being the underclass to more affluent white people and added a horror bent to that. However, I'd also argue that Tales From the Hood should also be considered a classic in this category. If the title doesn't make it obvious, Tales From the Hood is a horror anthology, divided into four stories with an extra "framing story." The latter involves three INNER CITY youths planning a drug deal at a funeral home maintained by a mortician whose face pretty well determines how things are going to end up here:
Three of the four stories are pretty generic (though not really bad) social commentaries with a horror twist. The first involves a former black cop who quit the force after seeing his corrupt cop partners beat and murder a black activist. One year later, he lures the cops to the gravesite of the activist for revenge purposes. It's basically the Thin Blue Line version of Creepshow's "Father's Day," even to the point of the zombie activist (whoops spoilers I guess) having telekinetic powers. Still, it gets to the point quickly enough, and there's nothing technically wrong with this story (nor really any of the other stories).
The second story is all about domestic violence, with a kid telling his COOL AND HIP BLACK TEACHER that he's all bruised up because there's a monster beating him up. The monster, of course, is his stepfather who has a tattoo of MONSTER on his arm. Monster, monster, monster. Happy ending due to child apparently having power to kill people by ripping up his drawings of them.
The final story involves a evil gangster who is arrested for his crimes, but takes an offer of freedom by participating in a "rehabilitation program" that is basically the Ludovico Treatment, but with more spinning chairs and nurses in weird latex fetish uniforms. I'm not sure whether it or the Monster story is the worst one of the bunch, as while the final story features some shocking and provoking actual photographs of violence against blacks, the impact is diluted both by the pictures being intercut of footage of guys in bandannas jumping around firing guns, and the program director (who is basically a solemn Whoopi Goldberg) telling the gangster, "Cain was the first murderer, Crazy K. He killed his brother HOW MANY BROTHERS HAVE YOU SLAIN?!?!?!" I understand the message is that black-on-black violence is just furthering the cause of racists, but there has to have been a better way to express it. Eventually, the gangster fails the treatment, and is sent back to the moment he was arrested, except now instead of being arrested, he's killed by the three gangster in the framing story.
Oh yeah, and then when the gangsters are finally revealed the coffins where the drugs are purportedly kept, they instead find their corpses and oh wait the mortician is actually satan.
Ultimately, I just wanted to use this review to talk about the third story, which is easily one of my favorite short horror tales, KKK Comeuppance." When you open with a political ad stating: "You can give it any name you want. The fact is, affirmative action, quotas, reparations, all mean one thing: Another qualified individual won't get a job or an education simply because he's not the right color. I thought that's what we were trying to get away from," dissolving to the picture of the whitest person imaginable, you know whoever wrote this had some fun. The whitest man alive is running for senate, was a former Klansman, and every thing he says is basically what I unironically heard while living in Arkansas. He's also living in a house that was the site of a former slave massacre which resulted in alot of displaced souls until a later owner transferred all of the souls into dolls. There's even a picture hey why is one of the dolls whited out???
There are exceptions, of course. Most would probably point to The People Under the Stairs and Candyman, films that used the whole notion of black people being the underclass to more affluent white people and added a horror bent to that. However, I'd also argue that Tales From the Hood should also be considered a classic in this category. If the title doesn't make it obvious, Tales From the Hood is a horror anthology, divided into four stories with an extra "framing story." The latter involves three INNER CITY youths planning a drug deal at a funeral home maintained by a mortician whose face pretty well determines how things are going to end up here:
oh hai guys clarance williams iii here
The mortician, being the one with the drugs, is able to leverage his way to telling the four main stories.
The second story is all about domestic violence, with a kid telling his COOL AND HIP BLACK TEACHER that he's all bruised up because there's a monster beating him up. The monster, of course, is his stepfather who has a tattoo of MONSTER on his arm. Monster, monster, monster. Happy ending due to child apparently having power to kill people by ripping up his drawings of them.
The final story involves a evil gangster who is arrested for his crimes, but takes an offer of freedom by participating in a "rehabilitation program" that is basically the Ludovico Treatment, but with more spinning chairs and nurses in weird latex fetish uniforms. I'm not sure whether it or the Monster story is the worst one of the bunch, as while the final story features some shocking and provoking actual photographs of violence against blacks, the impact is diluted both by the pictures being intercut of footage of guys in bandannas jumping around firing guns, and the program director (who is basically a solemn Whoopi Goldberg) telling the gangster, "Cain was the first murderer, Crazy K. He killed his brother HOW MANY BROTHERS HAVE YOU SLAIN?!?!?!" I understand the message is that black-on-black violence is just furthering the cause of racists, but there has to have been a better way to express it. Eventually, the gangster fails the treatment, and is sent back to the moment he was arrested, except now instead of being arrested, he's killed by the three gangster in the framing story.
Oh yeah, and then when the gangsters are finally revealed the coffins where the drugs are purportedly kept, they instead find their corpses and oh wait the mortician is actually satan.
Ultimately, I just wanted to use this review to talk about the third story, which is easily one of my favorite short horror tales, KKK Comeuppance." When you open with a political ad stating: "You can give it any name you want. The fact is, affirmative action, quotas, reparations, all mean one thing: Another qualified individual won't get a job or an education simply because he's not the right color. I thought that's what we were trying to get away from," dissolving to the picture of the whitest person imaginable, you know whoever wrote this had some fun. The whitest man alive is running for senate, was a former Klansman, and every thing he says is basically what I unironically heard while living in Arkansas. He's also living in a house that was the site of a former slave massacre which resulted in alot of displaced souls until a later owner transferred all of the souls into dolls. There's even a picture hey why is one of the dolls whited out???
this was basically what reading highlights as a kid was like
Like all killer doll stories, we get scenes of the doll inanimate (though still able to trip an Uncle Tom image consultant down the stairs), randomly appearing in spooooooky places. Eventually it reappears on the staircase, prompting KKK Guy to declare that "THERE WILL BE NO REPARATIONS" while throwing a bowl at the doll, and declaring war on a "VOODOO BITCH" while impaling a painting of her with her dolls with an American Flag. Eventually the doll attacks directly, but is quickly subdued, and tied to a dartboard, though KKK guys uses a shotgun in lieu of darts. All looks well as "NOT EVEN SOME VOODOO NEGRESS BITCH SPELL CAN OVERCOME THE POWER OF A DOUBLE BARRELLED SHOTGUN," but the painting now suddenly has roughly six dolls whited out. White supremacy oopsie, as now he's dealing with a whole bunch of "YOU LITTLE...NIGGLINS." Also, the original doll returns, and the double barrelled shotgun isn't so helpful now, so he retreats to the previous room only to well
(seeing this as a 10-year-old really had a profound effect of my attitude towards other races)
In perhaps the most subtle bit of writing ever, KKK Man covers himself with the American flag as the dolls approach and you get the rest. Again, easily the best story of the bunch, in acting, writing, and general horror movie vibe, like a top-tier Tales from the Crypt episode. That's the complement, by the way.
Again, it's not really a must-see horror film, and one could even call it a series of spooky morality tales with the exception of KKK Comeuppance, but it's still probably the most socially challenging horror film about black people (and really in general, unless you count silly WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS), which is fairly depressing when you think about it.
Again, it's not really a must-see horror film, and one could even call it a series of spooky morality tales with the exception of KKK Comeuppance, but it's still probably the most socially challenging horror film about black people (and really in general, unless you count silly WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS), which is fairly depressing when you think about it.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Wishmaster IV: THE SOMETHING SOMETHING
I was planning to do a conventional review of Wishmaster IV, but a few days ago an anonymous reader sent me a rather disturbing message and attachment. I've sat on it a few days, as it involves a private communication on October 01, 2001, between who can only assume to be Wishmaster IV's director, Chris Angel under the handle "BIGANGEMON," and the screenwriter, John Benjamin Martin, under the handle "Mbird." I have not edited the conversation in any way except for the sake of clarity.
BIGANGEMON (14:29) MARTIN MAN WE GOT A PROBLEM
BIGANGEMON (14:29) MARTIN GET ON HURRY
Mbird (14:30) What's the problem, Chris?
BIGANGEMON (1431) OH HOLD ON THE NEW EPISODE OF DIGIMON TAMERS IS ON HOLD ON A SECOND HOLY SHIT
Mbird (14:31) Okay.
BIGANGEMON (15:05) okay sorry man digimon is awesome i wish renamon was real
Mbird (15:06) Who is a renamon?
BIGANGEMON (15:08) don't worry about that man we got a problem Artisan didn't like the script I offered for Wishmaster IV and now I need a new idea HURRY
Mbird (15:08) What didn't they like?
BIGANGEMON (15:09) they were like "you just copy pasted new names onto the wishmaster iii script" and i said "well i'm filming it at the same time as that what did you think you hollywood fatcats but whatever I've got john bman martin on my side he'll think of something"
BIGANGEMON (15:11) SO THINK OF SOMETHING PLZ MAN
Mbird (15:13) Well, actually, it's sort of funny. I just watched this really good sequel to Hellraiser called "Hellraiser: Inferno," which sort of took the basic themes around the Hellraiser movies and created something different but really good with that mythos. Maybe something like that?
BIGANGEMON (15:13) wait like a romance
Mbird (15:14) No, it was still horror, but it was about the notions of sin and guilt that are in every Hellraiser film, or at least every good one.
BIGANGEMON (15:15) I know that fgt i meant like a horror/romance idea omg hold on
Mbird (15:15) okay.
BIGANGEMON (15:24) So what about a movie where the Jim falls in love with a woman??
Mbird (15:27) You mean a Djinn, right? I don't know exactly what you mean.
BIGANGEMON (15:30) yeah djinn whatever so yeah tell me what you think about this
BIGANGEMON (15:33) so we can have this hot woman whose with this sexy biker, but then the biker get in some accident and he's crippled and crippled people don't want to have sex right???
Mbird (15:34) I don't think that's right, Chris.
BIGANGEMON (15:34) whatever don't want to make those crips mad rite lol
BIGANGEMON (15:37) well anyway he doesn't want to have sex and there can be like a lawyer whose working on the case and he has the big ruby for some reason and that wakes the djinn up
Mbird (15:38) I'm afraid I don't really understand. Why would he have the stone?
BIGANGEMON (15:40) I dunno man ur the writer lol whatever well just have some nude scenes that'll distract the cripples lol
Mbird (15:41) So, I assume the lawyer get possessed and everything by the Djinn. What were you thinking next?
BIGANGEMON (15:43) okay first he will get her to wish for the case to be settled and there can be a scene where the djinn calls the other lawyer and makes him sign the contract and then kill himself
Mbird (15:43) Wait, the Djinn kills the lawyer he's possessing?
BIGANGEMON (15:44) no man lol the other opposing lawyer
Mbird (15:46) No offense, but that doesn't make alot of sense. I mean, why would wishing for the case to be settled involve the death of the opposing lawyer you know what nevermind. What's next?
BIGANGEMON (15:48) Well then a bunch of scenes where the girl and djinn flirt for like 30 minutes, maybe some kills I guess but really I want this to be all about the romance you know a real beuty and the beast scenario oh yeah and she can have her second wish be the wheelchair guy walking again
Mbird (15:49) I can kind of see that, yeah. So wait, does he have the husband walk off a staircase into a fire or something?
BIGANGEMON (15:50) No i was just thinking he writhes around on the floor for like ten minutes and then he walks
Mbird (15:50) Uh, okay.
Mbird (15:51) But wait, if he walks again, wouldn't that ruin the whole lawsuit even if there was a settlement?
BIGANGEMON (15:53) rofl who cares
BIGANGEMON (15:54) so okay, here's the clincher she and the djinn are about to kiss but she stops and says something liek "I wish I could love you for who you are."
Mbird (15:55) ...so the Djinn wins?
BIGANGEMON (15:56) Nope cause see for who he really is he'd have to turn into the monster form and that's impossible or something
Mbird (15:57) huh?
BIGANGEMON (15:58) Well we can have some other djinns appear and they can explain it
BIGANGEMON (15:59) oooooh other idea
BIGANGEMON (15:59) remember how I had the angel michael in the third movie and that was so great right?
Mbird (16:00) You know I was meaning to talk to you about that.
BIGANGEMON (16:01) well what if we had another angel called the HUNTER who appears and tries to kill the woman because then you can't have evil djinn take over
BIGANGEMON (16:03) and meanwhile djinn tries to figure out how to get the girl to lover her while he's starting to love her back oh man
Mbird (16:05) Yeah, like the Djinn can go to the girl's friend and try to figure it out over coffee.
BIGANGEMON (16:05) YEAH MAN THAT'S GREAT
BIGANGEMON (16:06) WRITING THAT SHIT DOWN IN MY NOTEBOOK RIGHT NOW
Mbird (16:08) Good to hear. So, you mentioned a Hunter Angel trying to kill the girl to prevent the Djinn takeover. How does that figure into things?
BIGANGEMON (16:08) sword fight with djinn in a park
BIGANGEMON (16:08) hunter loses
BIGANGEMON (16:09) also thinking of having a 15 minute strip club scene
Mbird (16:14) So, how were you thinking of ending this?
BIGANGEMON (16:15) uh, like another awesome sex scene between girl and the djinn, but girl still don't want to love, then a bunch of the other djinns appear and make bookcases fall down
BIGANGEMON (16:17) then other guy appears, makes wish to have way to kill djinn, so he gets the hunter's sword right but djinn kills him anyway but then she pushes him into the sword while it's still in the other guy and then she walks away I guess
BIGANGEMON (16:18) so yeah just put this all together and give it to me in a week and this'll be our big break man
MBird (16:20) i wish i was dead
BIGANGEMON (16:20) GRANTED LOL
BIGANGEMON (16: 27) john?
BIGANGEMON (16: 56) u there man?
BIGANGEMON (16:58) whatever gonna watch pokemon now
NOTES YOU SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT:
IF IT'S NOT CLEAR TO BABIES, I am joking about the chat conversation. I mock Angel because I can mock, but this certainly isn't meant to reflect on whatever the guy's actual personality is. And I doubt he's actually into Digimon, as there's not a successful person alive that is also a fan of that show. However, what I put down is actually how the movie went down. Yeah, it's all about the Djinn falling in love, including seeing her best friend for LUV ADVICE (don't worry, it culminated her in wishing for "killer sex," which included some really fucking gross crunching sound effects in a place that wasn't shown to the audience).
This is -easily- the worst Wishmaster film. While there's something to be said for Angel's attempt to do something new to the franchise besides WHOOPS THREE WISHES DEATH, the execution is so goddamned terrible I wish they had done the typical horror sequel deviation and done something like "Wishmaster in the Space Ghetto." Editing is jerky, plotlines go nowhere, and perhaps worst of all for a movie like this, there like 3 or 4 wish kills in the entire film. I mocked the lame characterization in 3, but there's literally no characterization in 4, unless you count everyone's blatant stupidity. I guess if you're 14, the literally ridiculous amounts of nudity (I wasn't joking about the 15-minute strip club scene) sort of make up for this, but to the rest of us it's just going to be like someone dropped a generic Wishmaster film and a generic late-night skin flick into some magical film mixer (for maximum effectiveness, imagine some stereotypical jewish guy panicking around the machine as lights shoot out of it with appropriately wacky music). I couldn't even find any appropriate shots to post, as there's nothing interesting to see in this movie. There's exactly three memorable scenes in the film:
1) Shortly after the Djinn takes over the lawyer's body, he visits the girl and guy, and after small talk, the latter two leave the room. For whatever reason, the Djinn takes an apple from some fruit stand, bites into it, then puts it back on the stand. This is what literally accounts for development in Wishmaster IV.
2) Closing line upon Djinn impaling a bouncer, then throwing him into dumping: "Now, is it Mondays and Wednesdays, or Tuesdays or Thursdays?"
3)
NEXT TIME: I'll try to review a movie I actually enjoy!
BIGANGEMON (14:29) MARTIN MAN WE GOT A PROBLEM
BIGANGEMON (14:29) MARTIN GET ON HURRY
Mbird (14:30) What's the problem, Chris?
BIGANGEMON (1431) OH HOLD ON THE NEW EPISODE OF DIGIMON TAMERS IS ON HOLD ON A SECOND HOLY SHIT
Mbird (14:31) Okay.
BIGANGEMON (15:05) okay sorry man digimon is awesome i wish renamon was real
Mbird (15:06) Who is a renamon?
BIGANGEMON (15:08) don't worry about that man we got a problem Artisan didn't like the script I offered for Wishmaster IV and now I need a new idea HURRY
Mbird (15:08) What didn't they like?
BIGANGEMON (15:09) they were like "you just copy pasted new names onto the wishmaster iii script" and i said "well i'm filming it at the same time as that what did you think you hollywood fatcats but whatever I've got john bman martin on my side he'll think of something"
BIGANGEMON (15:11) SO THINK OF SOMETHING PLZ MAN
Mbird (15:13) Well, actually, it's sort of funny. I just watched this really good sequel to Hellraiser called "Hellraiser: Inferno," which sort of took the basic themes around the Hellraiser movies and created something different but really good with that mythos. Maybe something like that?
BIGANGEMON (15:13) wait like a romance
Mbird (15:14) No, it was still horror, but it was about the notions of sin and guilt that are in every Hellraiser film, or at least every good one.
BIGANGEMON (15:15) I know that fgt i meant like a horror/romance idea omg hold on
Mbird (15:15) okay.
BIGANGEMON (15:24) So what about a movie where the Jim falls in love with a woman??
Mbird (15:27) You mean a Djinn, right? I don't know exactly what you mean.
BIGANGEMON (15:30) yeah djinn whatever so yeah tell me what you think about this
BIGANGEMON (15:33) so we can have this hot woman whose with this sexy biker, but then the biker get in some accident and he's crippled and crippled people don't want to have sex right???
Mbird (15:34) I don't think that's right, Chris.
BIGANGEMON (15:34) whatever don't want to make those crips mad rite lol
BIGANGEMON (15:37) well anyway he doesn't want to have sex and there can be like a lawyer whose working on the case and he has the big ruby for some reason and that wakes the djinn up
Mbird (15:38) I'm afraid I don't really understand. Why would he have the stone?
BIGANGEMON (15:40) I dunno man ur the writer lol whatever well just have some nude scenes that'll distract the cripples lol
Mbird (15:41) So, I assume the lawyer get possessed and everything by the Djinn. What were you thinking next?
BIGANGEMON (15:43) okay first he will get her to wish for the case to be settled and there can be a scene where the djinn calls the other lawyer and makes him sign the contract and then kill himself
Mbird (15:43) Wait, the Djinn kills the lawyer he's possessing?
BIGANGEMON (15:44) no man lol the other opposing lawyer
Mbird (15:46) No offense, but that doesn't make alot of sense. I mean, why would wishing for the case to be settled involve the death of the opposing lawyer you know what nevermind. What's next?
BIGANGEMON (15:48) Well then a bunch of scenes where the girl and djinn flirt for like 30 minutes, maybe some kills I guess but really I want this to be all about the romance you know a real beuty and the beast scenario oh yeah and she can have her second wish be the wheelchair guy walking again
Mbird (15:49) I can kind of see that, yeah. So wait, does he have the husband walk off a staircase into a fire or something?
BIGANGEMON (15:50) No i was just thinking he writhes around on the floor for like ten minutes and then he walks
Mbird (15:50) Uh, okay.
Mbird (15:51) But wait, if he walks again, wouldn't that ruin the whole lawsuit even if there was a settlement?
BIGANGEMON (15:53) rofl who cares
BIGANGEMON (15:54) so okay, here's the clincher she and the djinn are about to kiss but she stops and says something liek "I wish I could love you for who you are."
Mbird (15:55) ...so the Djinn wins?
BIGANGEMON (15:56) Nope cause see for who he really is he'd have to turn into the monster form and that's impossible or something
Mbird (15:57) huh?
BIGANGEMON (15:58) Well we can have some other djinns appear and they can explain it
BIGANGEMON (15:59) oooooh other idea
BIGANGEMON (15:59) remember how I had the angel michael in the third movie and that was so great right?
Mbird (16:00) You know I was meaning to talk to you about that.
BIGANGEMON (16:01) well what if we had another angel called the HUNTER who appears and tries to kill the woman because then you can't have evil djinn take over
BIGANGEMON (16:03) and meanwhile djinn tries to figure out how to get the girl to lover her while he's starting to love her back oh man
Mbird (16:05) Yeah, like the Djinn can go to the girl's friend and try to figure it out over coffee.
BIGANGEMON (16:05) YEAH MAN THAT'S GREAT
BIGANGEMON (16:06) WRITING THAT SHIT DOWN IN MY NOTEBOOK RIGHT NOW
Mbird (16:08) Good to hear. So, you mentioned a Hunter Angel trying to kill the girl to prevent the Djinn takeover. How does that figure into things?
BIGANGEMON (16:08) sword fight with djinn in a park
BIGANGEMON (16:08) hunter loses
BIGANGEMON (16:09) also thinking of having a 15 minute strip club scene
Mbird (16:14) So, how were you thinking of ending this?
BIGANGEMON (16:15) uh, like another awesome sex scene between girl and the djinn, but girl still don't want to love, then a bunch of the other djinns appear and make bookcases fall down
BIGANGEMON (16:17) then other guy appears, makes wish to have way to kill djinn, so he gets the hunter's sword right but djinn kills him anyway but then she pushes him into the sword while it's still in the other guy and then she walks away I guess
BIGANGEMON (16:18) so yeah just put this all together and give it to me in a week and this'll be our big break man
MBird (16:20) i wish i was dead
BIGANGEMON (16:20) GRANTED LOL
BIGANGEMON (16: 27) john?
BIGANGEMON (16: 56) u there man?
BIGANGEMON (16:58) whatever gonna watch pokemon now
NOTES YOU SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT:
IF IT'S NOT CLEAR TO BABIES, I am joking about the chat conversation. I mock Angel because I can mock, but this certainly isn't meant to reflect on whatever the guy's actual personality is. And I doubt he's actually into Digimon, as there's not a successful person alive that is also a fan of that show. However, what I put down is actually how the movie went down. Yeah, it's all about the Djinn falling in love, including seeing her best friend for LUV ADVICE (don't worry, it culminated her in wishing for "killer sex," which included some really fucking gross crunching sound effects in a place that wasn't shown to the audience).
This is -easily- the worst Wishmaster film. While there's something to be said for Angel's attempt to do something new to the franchise besides WHOOPS THREE WISHES DEATH, the execution is so goddamned terrible I wish they had done the typical horror sequel deviation and done something like "Wishmaster in the Space Ghetto." Editing is jerky, plotlines go nowhere, and perhaps worst of all for a movie like this, there like 3 or 4 wish kills in the entire film. I mocked the lame characterization in 3, but there's literally no characterization in 4, unless you count everyone's blatant stupidity. I guess if you're 14, the literally ridiculous amounts of nudity (I wasn't joking about the 15-minute strip club scene) sort of make up for this, but to the rest of us it's just going to be like someone dropped a generic Wishmaster film and a generic late-night skin flick into some magical film mixer (for maximum effectiveness, imagine some stereotypical jewish guy panicking around the machine as lights shoot out of it with appropriately wacky music). I couldn't even find any appropriate shots to post, as there's nothing interesting to see in this movie. There's exactly three memorable scenes in the film:
1) Shortly after the Djinn takes over the lawyer's body, he visits the girl and guy, and after small talk, the latter two leave the room. For whatever reason, the Djinn takes an apple from some fruit stand, bites into it, then puts it back on the stand. This is what literally accounts for development in Wishmaster IV.
2) Closing line upon Djinn impaling a bouncer, then throwing him into dumping: "Now, is it Mondays and Wednesdays, or Tuesdays or Thursdays?"
3)
NEXT TIME: I'll try to review a movie I actually enjoy!
Monday, December 6, 2010
so how about the lisa foiles feature for the escapist
Good Christ. Lisa's columns on Kotaku were pandering, awful shit, but at least I only had to get past the one HEY LOOK AT ME GIRL GAMER picture per article to just laugh at the terrible humor content. Now, of course, there's her new series on The Escapist, where bad video game humor goes in the hopes that it will get legions of mouthbreathing fanboys like Yahtzee and TGWTG.
Lisa's new video series is, get ready, a weekly Top 5. On one of the few message boards I go to on a regular basis, there was a former staff contributor from Cracked who quit from the soul-sucking preoccupation that alot of mainstream humor has with Top X humor. According to him (and it's hard to argue with him with the evidence), nothing text-based can get remotely as much traffic as a Top X list. Well, except for a Top XXX list that involves breasts. So, I'd like you to guess what Lisa was wearing, and how often she hopped while slightly bent over in her 5-minute review.
There are only really two mysteries to Lisa at this point.
1) Who are these fucking nerds kidding? Reading over Escapist comments for Lisa's video was slightly akin to standing next to the aisle of a porn theater that has turned its lights on, mid-feature, to an audience of well-to-do gentlemen. Nobody is lascivious or perverted, but instead all follow the same basic feature: "Boy, I was worried she was just another pretty face, but instead she was really funny and made me forget how I would tie her up and force her to lick my Limited Edition Master Chief helmet!" Oops, that last part was my genetic traits picking up pathetic mental energies over the internet.
Maybe you giant babies love lists so much that you would watch them even if it was done by some beard commander enchilada supreme you'd still laugh and go post your feeble comments. But I cannot, nay, I REFUSE to believe that anyone would have given a shit about Foiles' video if it had not been presented by an attractive petite. Ignore Lisa's awkward arm movements, and try to focus your mind towards the actual content. Every joke is basically just "hey video games." Lisa can't even sustain a Penny-Arcade HM VIDEO GAMES ARE QUITE DISPARATE FROM REAL LIFE joke. Hell, even her list was stupid: Only a complete poser would have a "Top Five Sexiest Glasses" and not include Lucca, and sure as hell would not have fucking DUKE NUKEM or WESKER. Waaaaaaagh.
But no, I'm sure Escapist bootlickers would steadfastly refuse that Foiles's bimbo act would have any part in their enjoyment of this piece of high-class entertainment. A few tried to argue that Lisa was actually parodying the bimbo/Top 10 aspect, to which I say, "No she didn't, you pathetic liar."
2) How much of this shittyness is planned? Could Lisa really be a sort of analogue of the female writers of times past, pretending a deference and lower intellect while in reality she is truly a greater wit than us all? Well, change "truly a greater wit than us all" to "moderately clever," and I'd say it's certainly possible. Even if she's not really funny, she certainly got the pathetic nerd business landscape down, having formed a fanbase on Kotaku, IGN, and now Escapist. I'm sure she's already in negotiations with TGWTG (EDIT: whoops, angry joe, truth to say i've never actually seen a thing on tgwtg because i'm not a dick nose, song and dancen).
Now, returning to that Cracked writer, you can see where I'm going. Lisa could very well be aware that game journalism and humor is ultimately a fucked up horrible thing to begin with, so why not put in minimal effort that, paradoxically will get the most profitable responses? As I've noted before, the great thing about slutting out for nerds is that you have to show less skin than you would for most other audiences, as long as you can pretend to like Street Fighter. And again, while I rage about her lack of humor, it's not like there's really any funny video game humor, and columns are apparently a binary choice between "hey do you like games where you can kick really high girls rule ^_^" and "THE SOOTHING DIALECTIC IN A ONE CREDIT CLEAR IN DODONPACHI." At least there's more honesty in the former, especially within its audience. I'm not saying she's spoofing the whole game girl bimbo thing, but rather that she refined it into some sort of plutonium powered laser beam that is currently burrowing into the earth's core, where her Amazon wishlist has been chained for a millenia.
Or maybe she's just a dumb idiot. Either way, this is your New Heaven Salesman, and Eagles of Death Metal sound just a little too much like Led Zeppelin to enjoy it.
Lisa's new video series is, get ready, a weekly Top 5. On one of the few message boards I go to on a regular basis, there was a former staff contributor from Cracked who quit from the soul-sucking preoccupation that alot of mainstream humor has with Top X humor. According to him (and it's hard to argue with him with the evidence), nothing text-based can get remotely as much traffic as a Top X list. Well, except for a Top XXX list that involves breasts. So, I'd like you to guess what Lisa was wearing, and how often she hopped while slightly bent over in her 5-minute review.
There are only really two mysteries to Lisa at this point.
1) Who are these fucking nerds kidding? Reading over Escapist comments for Lisa's video was slightly akin to standing next to the aisle of a porn theater that has turned its lights on, mid-feature, to an audience of well-to-do gentlemen. Nobody is lascivious or perverted, but instead all follow the same basic feature: "Boy, I was worried she was just another pretty face, but instead she was really funny and made me forget how I would tie her up and force her to lick my Limited Edition Master Chief helmet!" Oops, that last part was my genetic traits picking up pathetic mental energies over the internet.
Maybe you giant babies love lists so much that you would watch them even if it was done by some beard commander enchilada supreme you'd still laugh and go post your feeble comments. But I cannot, nay, I REFUSE to believe that anyone would have given a shit about Foiles' video if it had not been presented by an attractive petite. Ignore Lisa's awkward arm movements, and try to focus your mind towards the actual content. Every joke is basically just "hey video games." Lisa can't even sustain a Penny-Arcade HM VIDEO GAMES ARE QUITE DISPARATE FROM REAL LIFE joke. Hell, even her list was stupid: Only a complete poser would have a "Top Five Sexiest Glasses" and not include Lucca, and sure as hell would not have fucking DUKE NUKEM or WESKER. Waaaaaaagh.
But no, I'm sure Escapist bootlickers would steadfastly refuse that Foiles's bimbo act would have any part in their enjoyment of this piece of high-class entertainment. A few tried to argue that Lisa was actually parodying the bimbo/Top 10 aspect, to which I say, "No she didn't, you pathetic liar."
2) How much of this shittyness is planned? Could Lisa really be a sort of analogue of the female writers of times past, pretending a deference and lower intellect while in reality she is truly a greater wit than us all? Well, change "truly a greater wit than us all" to "moderately clever," and I'd say it's certainly possible. Even if she's not really funny, she certainly got the pathetic nerd business landscape down, having formed a fanbase on Kotaku, IGN, and now Escapist. I'm sure she's already in negotiations with TGWTG (EDIT: whoops, angry joe, truth to say i've never actually seen a thing on tgwtg because i'm not a dick nose, song and dancen).
Now, returning to that Cracked writer, you can see where I'm going. Lisa could very well be aware that game journalism and humor is ultimately a fucked up horrible thing to begin with, so why not put in minimal effort that, paradoxically will get the most profitable responses? As I've noted before, the great thing about slutting out for nerds is that you have to show less skin than you would for most other audiences, as long as you can pretend to like Street Fighter. And again, while I rage about her lack of humor, it's not like there's really any funny video game humor, and columns are apparently a binary choice between "hey do you like games where you can kick really high girls rule ^_^" and "THE SOOTHING DIALECTIC IN A ONE CREDIT CLEAR IN DODONPACHI." At least there's more honesty in the former, especially within its audience. I'm not saying she's spoofing the whole game girl bimbo thing, but rather that she refined it into some sort of plutonium powered laser beam that is currently burrowing into the earth's core, where her Amazon wishlist has been chained for a millenia.
Or maybe she's just a dumb idiot. Either way, this is your New Heaven Salesman, and Eagles of Death Metal sound just a little too much like Led Zeppelin to enjoy it.
well i think he has some interesting ideas and he's really funny
Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says execution is the appropriate punishment for the leaker who provided thousands of State Department documents to the website WikiLeaks.
“Whoever in our government leaked that information is guilty of treason, and I think anything less than execution is too kind a penalty,” Huckabee, a likely presidential candidate, told reporters Monday during a stop at The Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation & Library to sign copies of his new children’s book, “Can’t Wait Till Christmas!”
THIS IS WHAT WAS RUNNING ARKANSAS IN THE NINETIES
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wishermaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell
What is it about horror sequels that are filmed concurrently? Return of the Living Dead 4 &5 were filmed at the same time, and now, as I decide to review Wishmaster 3, I find out that both it and Wishermaster 4 were also filmed at the same time.
Now, it's not that Wishmaster 1 & 2 were shining achievements of movie genius. For all intents, the original was Wes Craven reallocating some of his Nightmare on Elm Street profits into a new "Monster whose power is creating interesting special effects." Unlike Nightmare on Elm Street, Craven skipped any attempt to make the Wishmaster, an evil genie/djinn who tricks people into wishing, then FLIPS THE WISH SCRIPT. The plot for both movies is negligible, but it had a couple of things going for it, primarily a great deal of awesome SFX setpieces, and the acting of Andrew Divoff as the Djinn, who perfectly captured the lighly gruesome tone of the movie. If you're curious, here's a compilation of the death scenes from the first two movies. The second movie is worse than the first, though I'd argue that Divoff's role, and the intelligence of the film makers to make the sequel basically a complete retread of the first, still makes it entertaining.
Wishmaster 3 focuses on Diane, a TA or something at a college who suffered a Big Tragedy as a kid where her parents were blown up in a car accident that she witnessed. There's a terrible romantic subplot where she can't say that she loves her boyfriend (who is taking the class she is TA-ing in). In a giant warning flag about the level of cinematic excellence, after a nightmare in the opening scene, Diane goes outside just so we can see her erect nipples.
Diane also has to work at the college Museum of Creepy Artifacts, and for some reason is allowed to look at some box that is a direct rip-off of the Lament Configuration from Hellraiser. Djinn is eventually released, and possesses Diane's creepy professor, and here we get to the first big problem of the movie. Jason Connery isn't a terrible actor, but he lacks the crazy bug-eyed scenery chewing of Divoff, and his facial hair just makes him look like a metrosexual version of Robert Patrick from Double Dragon.
I'm not really sure what the Djinn is going for here. He's blackmailing the professor, but it's never made clear how the Djinn would approach the Sociology Chair and Board of Directors with this revelation, since he's a giant evil hell beast. What's weirder about all this is that the script implies that the professor understands what the Djinn is all about with "granting wishes." But whatever, he cracks and decides to go for a carefully worded wish of "two women I find most attractive in the world to be in love with me." This leads to what I assume is Connery's reason for being in the film, as two naked chicks start writhing all over him. Of course, they're actually demons, which doesn't make sense in the context of the wish.
We follow with an awful sex scene between Diane's best friend and her boyfriend behind a couch where a guy is watching MTV (which also gives this movie two and a half nude scenes by the 30 minute mark). Eventually, the Djinn goes to the administration building to find Diane's address, but is cockblocked by an elderly secretary who won't give him Diane's transcript because it's confidential (which is surprisingly accurate, I guess the movie researched FERPA), but of course she wishes that "all these files would go up in flames so I could get the hell out of here." GUESS HOW THIS TURNS OUT, CLEVER VIEWER. It's actually better than you think, as the woman proceeds to open up a file cabinet and get a jet of flames right to the face.
What follows is 20 minutes of Diane going SOMETHING IS WRONG and everyone going NOPE YOU CRAZY, until for some reason the Djinn reveals himself in front of Diane's boyfriend. He and Diane flee to a church, where the Djinn is waiting for them, along with Random Slut #1. Diane refuses to wish citing that the Djinn can't hurt them without a wish being made, to which the Djinn is all "thas cool oh btw Random Slut #1 already made a wish wanted to lose some weight want to wish nao? :3" She refuses at first, so we get a vomiting scene that less gross than that from City of the Living Dead. Diane, being a retarded bint, gives in and wishes to end Random Slut #1's pain, which goes about how you'd think.
She then makes the second wish, which suddenly propels this movie from a crappy sequel to utter disaster: "I wish to invoke the spirit of St. Michael to help me." Yes. That is the wish. The Djinn actually grants this one, but apparently the spirit has to inhabit a body. Initially she gets possessed, but then the boyfriend shoves her out of the way. And lo, Greg the Boyfriend gets blue contacts, and super-deep voice, and a curvy-bladed sword that was bought for 59.99 at some craft store. Djinn transforms into his demon form, and a pretty goddamned embarassing fight proceeds, where the Djinn throws a pew at Michael, and Michael reverses with a armflip into the altar.
The final 30 minutes of the film alternate between Diane and Michael the Angel running from the Djinn (occasionally with Michael berating Diane about her dumb fucking decisions), while he randomly kills her friends. The rundown includes:
Oh and in the end Diana realizes that she could just kill herself before making the third wish, but then the Djinn catches her arm just before she throws herself off a building. She then telepathically grab Michael's sword, stabs the Djinn, both fall and die but Michael just casts Life 3 and yay everyone lives again.
So, what is there to say? If you get the mien to watch a movie directed by someone actually named Chris Angel, use that handy thumbnail function on the Netflix instant viewer to find the death scenes, as there is nothing else going for this movie. Still, it at least had the wisdom to retain the whole basic plotline, which is better than I can say for Wishmaster IV, which is literally a romance involving the Djinn. NOPE. NOT KIDDING.
Now, it's not that Wishmaster 1 & 2 were shining achievements of movie genius. For all intents, the original was Wes Craven reallocating some of his Nightmare on Elm Street profits into a new "Monster whose power is creating interesting special effects." Unlike Nightmare on Elm Street, Craven skipped any attempt to make the Wishmaster, an evil genie/djinn who tricks people into wishing, then FLIPS THE WISH SCRIPT. The plot for both movies is negligible, but it had a couple of things going for it, primarily a great deal of awesome SFX setpieces, and the acting of Andrew Divoff as the Djinn, who perfectly captured the lighly gruesome tone of the movie. If you're curious, here's a compilation of the death scenes from the first two movies. The second movie is worse than the first, though I'd argue that Divoff's role, and the intelligence of the film makers to make the sequel basically a complete retread of the first, still makes it entertaining.
Wishmaster 3 focuses on Diane, a TA or something at a college who suffered a Big Tragedy as a kid where her parents were blown up in a car accident that she witnessed. There's a terrible romantic subplot where she can't say that she loves her boyfriend (who is taking the class she is TA-ing in). In a giant warning flag about the level of cinematic excellence, after a nightmare in the opening scene, Diane goes outside just so we can see her erect nipples.
Diane also has to work at the college Museum of Creepy Artifacts, and for some reason is allowed to look at some box that is a direct rip-off of the Lament Configuration from Hellraiser. Djinn is eventually released, and possesses Diane's creepy professor, and here we get to the first big problem of the movie. Jason Connery isn't a terrible actor, but he lacks the crazy bug-eyed scenery chewing of Divoff, and his facial hair just makes him look like a metrosexual version of Robert Patrick from Double Dragon.
The confrontation between the Djinn and Creepy Professor is one of the better/worse parts of the movie. After Diane leaves the Professor after his terrible come-on, the Djinn just appears and glides across the floor. Djinn demands to find the person woke him (the central theme of every Wishmaster theme being that the person who unleashed the Djinn must make three wishes, thereupon a shitload of Djinn will awake and rule the earth), and he refuses. Djinn first offers him some hot women, but when he hesitates, we get this:
I'm not really sure what the Djinn is going for here. He's blackmailing the professor, but it's never made clear how the Djinn would approach the Sociology Chair and Board of Directors with this revelation, since he's a giant evil hell beast. What's weirder about all this is that the script implies that the professor understands what the Djinn is all about with "granting wishes." But whatever, he cracks and decides to go for a carefully worded wish of "two women I find most attractive in the world to be in love with me." This leads to what I assume is Connery's reason for being in the film, as two naked chicks start writhing all over him. Of course, they're actually demons, which doesn't make sense in the context of the wish.
We follow with an awful sex scene between Diane's best friend and her boyfriend behind a couch where a guy is watching MTV (which also gives this movie two and a half nude scenes by the 30 minute mark). Eventually, the Djinn goes to the administration building to find Diane's address, but is cockblocked by an elderly secretary who won't give him Diane's transcript because it's confidential (which is surprisingly accurate, I guess the movie researched FERPA), but of course she wishes that "all these files would go up in flames so I could get the hell out of here." GUESS HOW THIS TURNS OUT, CLEVER VIEWER. It's actually better than you think, as the woman proceeds to open up a file cabinet and get a jet of flames right to the face.
WOOMPH
What follows is 20 minutes of Diane going SOMETHING IS WRONG and everyone going NOPE YOU CRAZY, until for some reason the Djinn reveals himself in front of Diane's boyfriend. He and Diane flee to a church, where the Djinn is waiting for them, along with Random Slut #1. Diane refuses to wish citing that the Djinn can't hurt them without a wish being made, to which the Djinn is all "thas cool oh btw Random Slut #1 already made a wish wanted to lose some weight want to wish nao? :3" She refuses at first, so we get a vomiting scene that less gross than that from City of the Living Dead. Diane, being a retarded bint, gives in and wishes to end Random Slut #1's pain, which goes about how you'd think.
She then makes the second wish, which suddenly propels this movie from a crappy sequel to utter disaster: "I wish to invoke the spirit of St. Michael to help me." Yes. That is the wish. The Djinn actually grants this one, but apparently the spirit has to inhabit a body. Initially she gets possessed, but then the boyfriend shoves her out of the way. And lo, Greg the Boyfriend gets blue contacts, and super-deep voice, and a curvy-bladed sword that was bought for 59.99 at some craft store. Djinn transforms into his demon form, and a pretty goddamned embarassing fight proceeds, where the Djinn throws a pew at Michael, and Michael reverses with a armflip into the altar.
LOOK AT THIS GODDAMNED SWORD
The final 30 minutes of the film alternate between Diane and Michael the Angel running from the Djinn (occasionally with Michael berating Diane about her dumb fucking decisions), while he randomly kills her friends. The rundown includes:
- Random Slut #2 wishes for heart to be broken, which features a really bad cross-section of her heart exploding, like a Ghost being exploded in Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt. Which basically makes me wish I was watching that instead (Stocking is mai waifu).
NON DES KAAAAAAAAH
- Diane's best friend's boyfriend gets beaten up by the Djinn, eventually wishing for the Djinn to "Blow Him," which culminates in him getting floated in front of the Djinn, who literally blows him into a bull statue.
- Finally the best friend, which features the most brutal kill in the series. Djinn chases her into some animal research lab. She hides from him in some cabinet, and for some reason, the Djinn just gives up and leaves the room. In possibly the worst decision of the series, she calls Diane and says "I wish there was somewhere to hide." For some reason this instantly summons the Djinn, who carries her across the lab and stuffs her head into a rat cage, telling her "NO ONE WILL FIND YOU IN HERE LOL." Now, while it's not like the Wishmaster series has high logic standards to uphold, but I don't think being stuffed in a rat cage really works as a place to hide in any connotation, especially as Diana immediately finds her.
Oh and in the end Diana realizes that she could just kill herself before making the third wish, but then the Djinn catches her arm just before she throws herself off a building. She then telepathically grab Michael's sword, stabs the Djinn, both fall and die but Michael just casts Life 3 and yay everyone lives again.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WISHMASTER III
So, what is there to say? If you get the mien to watch a movie directed by someone actually named Chris Angel, use that handy thumbnail function on the Netflix instant viewer to find the death scenes, as there is nothing else going for this movie. Still, it at least had the wisdom to retain the whole basic plotline, which is better than I can say for Wishmaster IV, which is literally a romance involving the Djinn. NOPE. NOT KIDDING.
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