It was roughly into the second year of law school. I had borrowed the game from a friend, and was deciding to play it while I got my oil changed. I hate having my oil changed, from the cost of having it done, the fear someone will do something horribly wrong to my car, to the embarrassment that I, a normally competent human male, cannot change the oil myself. But I am more terrified of having my engine explode, so here I was, ordering some horrible Burger King abomination and turning on my DS, for the SQUEAK SQUAD. For an hour, I felt about as challenged from the game as I did using a free hand to move fries into my mouth. When the car was ready, I saved the game, saw that I was already 35% complete, and said a silent prayer for the people that paid like thirty dollars for this shit.
And believe me, Squeak Squad is shit, for the same reason I can see why people hated Return to Dreamland for the Wii. Both feature the same goddamned gameplay we saw since the NES days, and while I'm sure that's goddamned exciting to nerds who think retro by itself is somehow worthwhile, it's also snoozetown for me. I realize I said in my Canvas Curse review that I liked Kirby because it was easy, but there's a difference between easy and easy. Canvas, at least for half the game, was engaging, but not frustrating, new areas requesting perhaps a few seconds of your brain farting a synapse before proceeding. There is literally nothing engaging about Squeak Squad if you have ever played a traditional Kirby side-scroller. Or hell, any side scroller. Hell, have you ever just held a game boy in your hands? Congrats, you can probably beat Squeak Squad.
The apparently element of "challenge" is that to fully clear a stage, you need to grab treasure chests. However, the title bad guys also try to grab it, which means you have to complete some pathetic puzzle and/or fight a mouse boss. The mouse bosses are sort of fun, but a problem exists in that there are literally only 4 main baddies in the Squeak Squad, and no, their fighting tactics do not change at all. There is strong guy, ninja guy, mouse in saucer, and main mouse and I don't even know if you fight the main mouse until the end so let me amend my statement to only THREE main baddies.
BISHY SQUEAKY SQUADUU ^_____^ COPYRIGHT FAT GIRL 2009 DO NOT STEAL
I actually visited the wiki page for the game to see what I could remember besides "stupid easy" and "fight the same 4 bosses for treasure chests." Wikipedia told me that there are apparently modifications to your powers that drastically change how they work. I DON'T REMEMBER THIS. Like I think there was a UFO power, but otherwise the gameplay was completely forgotten to me. I'm generally not one to completely forget something I played to near 100% completion, so I'm going to make a safe bet and assume that the modification powers were both really poorly implemented and completely unnecessary to completion aside from those areas that forced you to use them because we all like that riiiiiight?
Jesus what else am I supposed to say here. This is not a game, it is a nap simulator with fucking rats and memories of burgers that upset my stomach and my own failure of masculinity. Do not play this. Just play Kirby Superstar or OH NO WHAT AM I SAYING END TRANSMISSION
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