BLOOD MONKEY

My only defense about watching BLOOD MONKEY was that I had to watch either this or Blood Gnomes (which I am probably going to watch later).

Maybe it was a little unclear in my last review, but while I didn't like Staunton Hill, there's honestly far worse for a hardcore slasher fan to watch.  The question before me is whether a hardcore creature feature/Syfy original fan would be able to sit through Blood Monkey.  I was able to sit through it, but I was also playing Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3 for the Gameboy, so I was able to endure the endless scenes of people walking around in very obvious set jungles.

I'm not going to go through the plotline, as there is a disturbingly detailed synopsis on Wikipedia.  I can't say this really surprises me, as there is apparently a cabal of basement dwellers who somehow feel it is essential to go through every fucking scene in shitty horror.  Long story short, there is an evil professor who lures some graduate students to an unexplored ravine in Africa that contains SUPER INTELLIGENT BLOOD MONKEYS (also they are totally gorillas, so the title should be "Blood Apes."  Or actually, just "Apes" as there is absolutely nothing in the film that explains the "Blood" part except that the apes' POV shots have a really stupid red layer over them, like someone stuck a Fruit Roll-up on the lens).

So, the movie's only really strong positive is that the acting is honestly fairly decent for something film as the opening movement in the "Maneater series," which is apparently a film mill for creature features that all premiered on the Syfy network.  F. Murray Abraham (yes, the guy that played Salieri) clearly doesn't give a shit about the movie, and just gorges on scenery while doing the laziest Ahab impression possible.  He's still pretty fun to watch, and at least gives an effective villain to root against.  The students aren't bad, except for the token "hot chick," which the camera desperately attempts to avoid and the movie kills first because he face is seriously in that British category of the uncanny valley.  The movie gives a fair amount of pathos and character development to the characters, so it's a little surprising the the film is, by Syfy original standards, really fucking grim.  Indeed, the ending is honestly pretty good, or at least a good imitation of those moments of jarring, claustrophobic panic that you see in something like Cloverfield and Blair Witch, which just makes it even more confusing that the vast majority of the movie is the same robotic directed made-for-TV garbage as usual.

So, the movie's real distinction is how, even for a low rent creature feature, they manage to avoid showing the titular BLOOD MONKEY until the last few frames of the films.  I mean, there's still sudden flash cuts and gorilla arms, but it's all really really obscured, and pretty fucking amazing.  It's understandable when movies featuring giant snakes and demon scorpions are a little reluctant to parade their Full Sail-level CGI for the entire film, but this is a movie about killer gorillas.  Oh, and before you go "well are they different looking killer gorillas," NO THEY ARE NOT.  The final shot of the film is basically a scary gorilla poser model with blood-stained teeth, nothing more.  I mean, it was really wretched CGI, but I think most people would have preferred you have more shitty shots of the BLOOD MONKEY or a guy in a gorilla suit.  Oh, you think that might be a little silly?  YOU ARE DIRECTING A MOVIE CALLED MOTHERFUCKING "BLOOD MONKEY."  NOBODY IS WATCHING THIS MOVIE TO BE SCARED.  HOWEVER, I CAN ASSUME THAT THEY ARE WATCHING IT TO SEE THE BLOOD MONKEY BEFORE THE LAST MINUTE OF THE FILM.

I don't know what else to say about this film.  The directing is boring right until the end, with not a single interesting shot.  Gore is absolute shit.  The only actually funny scene, despite the film's attempt to ascribe hilarious lines to the characters, is when the BLOOD MONKEYS piss all over the characters' tents.  No, there is no blood in the urine.

Ultimate verdict is that if you have someone willing to tolerate this bullshit, just skip to the hour mark and be glad that I'm better at Wario Land than I used to be.