The Children (2008)

Oh hey I'm a review blog.

Though I can't explain it, I'm a pretty big fan of "small thing X murders stuff" movies. Whether it be killer dolls, insects, or midgets (I can't think of any movies featuring the last assailant, though I'm sure it will come to me). Generally speaking, the idea of "small danger" horror is the empathy with the victim that "wait, that shouldn't be a danger to me." You might be creeped out about that stupid doll your son bought, but it really shouldn't be doing anything deadly. This is especially true in "killer children" movies, where the monster is YOUR OWN SPAWN.

Generally speaking, killer children movies tend to follow a pretty strict set of rules. The theme is almost always the idea of children alienated from the standard order of adults, and violently striking out, whether it be weird radioactive spills (the older version of "The Children), evil alien control (Village of the Damned), ancient burial curses (Pet Semetary), or cults run by evil monster man (Children of the Corn). That theme is prevalent in The Children, but the difference is that the reason behind the raising up is never fully explained. It could be viral, but there's enough weird jump-cuts that there's likely something behind that. I'd have preferred to have most of the origin references entirely cut out (and guessing by how clunky most of these insertions were, I'm hoping against the glories that this was one of those post-production executives WAIT WHY ARE THE KIDS BEING BAD PUT SOMETHING ON moments).

The setting and characters need only be described as "the most stereotypically upper middle class British ever." Until the Bad Stuff happens, you could probably bring a bingo card with all of the buzzwords that a screenwriter would use to indicate that these are totally bourgeoisie, self-absorbed dimwits. Eco-tourism! Home-schooling! Chinese Medicine! The actors and actresses aren't bad, and it's not like the writing's a chore to get through, but it's a credit to the movie that it fairly quickly switches to the horror fairly quickly. This isn't like House of the Devil, where the buildup is the thing. I honestly can't remember much about the prelude except that I wanted to bone the protagonist mother over the protagonist teenager, and wondering if this was an intentional director movie.

Were you an awful kid? I imagine you were. God knows I was, and at a ridiculously young age, I figured out that certain actions and expressions could manipulate my parents pretty easily, without their logic kicking in and trying to figure out WAIT IS THERE A REASON YOU ATE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF FLINTSTONES VITAMINS AND THREW OUT THE BOTTOM TWO SHELVES OF FOOD FROM THE FRIDGE. Parents, or at least those who have like a shelf of childcare texts and will earnestly buy their fetus Chopin so he can get an MBA and not be a crashing failure like their own life middle-managing the health foods store (main task: UPDATE BLOG ON HEART ATTACKS AND VIOLET EXTRACT), are gullible to their kids. I guess there's an irony that your huckleberry fucks that seriously think Glenn Beck has their best interests in heart are also the best equipped to recognize the lies of children, but this is getting some rambly-pambly junk.

I guess what impressed me about The Children was that it is the first movie I can remember that really recognizes this critical factor in the parent-child relationship, and uses it to really bring up the creepy factor. Generally speaking, killer kids have two phases: 1) oh I am fine 2) MURDER MURDER STALK KILL. Also, unless there is some new victim that is unaware of the situation, the latter phase never reverts to the first. Here, the children are rarely miniature psychos, but instead use familiar behavior and actions to lull adults into their dooms. If you saw the trailer, then you've seen the sled scene. It's the first death scene, and a fairly effective one. What makes it work is that there's no indication from the kids that they're planning the doom of ENVIRONMENTAL TOURISM DAD. Instead, they're all happy and content, the family of great caring. Unlike your average child killer, once they're switched on, they're still capable of acting perfectly normal kids. I imagine this is probably way more fun for actual parents.

Even when the rabbit is out of the hat, the children continue to exhibit the "typical" behavior, even if it's mixed in with a casual homicidal tendency. I'm not sure if it's in the trailer (and I'm not watching the trailer because it is late and I'm all alone in the dark), but there's a line spoken by one of the kids that really brings out the surreality and horror of the situation, and it's hard to tell if the tone is mocking, confused, or simply said because that's what kids say.

god I'm never having children