I was planning to do a conventional review of Wishmaster IV, but a few days ago an anonymous reader sent me a rather disturbing message and attachment. I've sat on it a few days, as it involves a private communication on October 01, 2001, between who can only assume to be Wishmaster IV's director, Chris Angel under the handle "BIGANGEMON," and the screenwriter, John Benjamin Martin, under the handle "Mbird." I have not edited the conversation in any way except for the sake of clarity.
BIGANGEMON (14:29) MARTIN MAN WE GOT A PROBLEM
BIGANGEMON (14:29) MARTIN GET ON HURRY
Mbird (14:30) What's the problem, Chris?
BIGANGEMON (1431) OH HOLD ON THE NEW EPISODE OF DIGIMON TAMERS IS ON HOLD ON A SECOND HOLY SHIT
Mbird (14:31) Okay.
BIGANGEMON (15:05) okay sorry man digimon is awesome i wish renamon was real
Mbird (15:06) Who is a renamon?
BIGANGEMON (15:08) don't worry about that man we got a problem Artisan didn't like the script I offered for Wishmaster IV and now I need a new idea HURRY
Mbird (15:08) What didn't they like?
BIGANGEMON (15:09) they were like "you just copy pasted new names onto the wishmaster iii script" and i said "well i'm filming it at the same time as that what did you think you hollywood fatcats but whatever I've got john bman martin on my side he'll think of something"
BIGANGEMON (15:11) SO THINK OF SOMETHING PLZ MAN
Mbird (15:13) Well, actually, it's sort of funny. I just watched this really good sequel to Hellraiser called "Hellraiser: Inferno," which sort of took the basic themes around the Hellraiser movies and created something different but really good with that mythos. Maybe something like that?
BIGANGEMON (15:13) wait like a romance
Mbird (15:14) No, it was still horror, but it was about the notions of sin and guilt that are in every Hellraiser film, or at least every good one.
BIGANGEMON (15:15) I know that fgt i meant like a horror/romance idea omg hold on
Mbird (15:15) okay.
BIGANGEMON (15:24) So what about a movie where the Jim falls in love with a woman??
Mbird (15:27) You mean a Djinn, right? I don't know exactly what you mean.
BIGANGEMON (15:30) yeah djinn whatever so yeah tell me what you think about this
BIGANGEMON (15:33) so we can have this hot woman whose with this sexy biker, but then the biker get in some accident and he's crippled and crippled people don't want to have sex right???
Mbird (15:34) I don't think that's right, Chris.
BIGANGEMON (15:34) whatever don't want to make those crips mad rite lol
BIGANGEMON (15:37) well anyway he doesn't want to have sex and there can be like a lawyer whose working on the case and he has the big ruby for some reason and that wakes the djinn up
Mbird (15:38) I'm afraid I don't really understand. Why would he have the stone?
BIGANGEMON (15:40) I dunno man ur the writer lol whatever well just have some nude scenes that'll distract the cripples lol
Mbird (15:41) So, I assume the lawyer get possessed and everything by the Djinn. What were you thinking next?
BIGANGEMON (15:43) okay first he will get her to wish for the case to be settled and there can be a scene where the djinn calls the other lawyer and makes him sign the contract and then kill himself
Mbird (15:43) Wait, the Djinn kills the lawyer he's possessing?
BIGANGEMON (15:44) no man lol the other opposing lawyer
Mbird (15:46) No offense, but that doesn't make alot of sense. I mean, why would wishing for the case to be settled involve the death of the opposing lawyer you know what nevermind. What's next?
BIGANGEMON (15:48) Well then a bunch of scenes where the girl and djinn flirt for like 30 minutes, maybe some kills I guess but really I want this to be all about the romance you know a real beuty and the beast scenario oh yeah and she can have her second wish be the wheelchair guy walking again
Mbird (15:49) I can kind of see that, yeah. So wait, does he have the husband walk off a staircase into a fire or something?
BIGANGEMON (15:50) No i was just thinking he writhes around on the floor for like ten minutes and then he walks
Mbird (15:50) Uh, okay.
Mbird (15:51) But wait, if he walks again, wouldn't that ruin the whole lawsuit even if there was a settlement?
BIGANGEMON (15:53) rofl who cares
BIGANGEMON (15:54) so okay, here's the clincher she and the djinn are about to kiss but she stops and says something liek "I wish I could love you for who you are."
Mbird (15:55) ...so the Djinn wins?
BIGANGEMON (15:56) Nope cause see for who he really is he'd have to turn into the monster form and that's impossible or something
Mbird (15:57) huh?
BIGANGEMON (15:58) Well we can have some other djinns appear and they can explain it
BIGANGEMON (15:59) oooooh other idea
BIGANGEMON (15:59) remember how I had the angel michael in the third movie and that was so great right?
Mbird (16:00) You know I was meaning to talk to you about that.
BIGANGEMON (16:01) well what if we had another angel called the HUNTER who appears and tries to kill the woman because then you can't have evil djinn take over
BIGANGEMON (16:03) and meanwhile djinn tries to figure out how to get the girl to lover her while he's starting to love her back oh man
Mbird (16:05) Yeah, like the Djinn can go to the girl's friend and try to figure it out over coffee.
BIGANGEMON (16:05) YEAH MAN THAT'S GREAT
BIGANGEMON (16:06) WRITING THAT SHIT DOWN IN MY NOTEBOOK RIGHT NOW
Mbird (16:08) Good to hear. So, you mentioned a Hunter Angel trying to kill the girl to prevent the Djinn takeover. How does that figure into things?
BIGANGEMON (16:08) sword fight with djinn in a park
BIGANGEMON (16:08) hunter loses
BIGANGEMON (16:09) also thinking of having a 15 minute strip club scene
Mbird (16:14) So, how were you thinking of ending this?
BIGANGEMON (16:15) uh, like another awesome sex scene between girl and the djinn, but girl still don't want to love, then a bunch of the other djinns appear and make bookcases fall down
BIGANGEMON (16:17) then other guy appears, makes wish to have way to kill djinn, so he gets the hunter's sword right but djinn kills him anyway but then she pushes him into the sword while it's still in the other guy and then she walks away I guess
BIGANGEMON (16:18) so yeah just put this all together and give it to me in a week and this'll be our big break man
MBird (16:20) i wish i was dead
BIGANGEMON (16:20) GRANTED LOL
BIGANGEMON (16: 27) john?
BIGANGEMON (16: 56) u there man?
BIGANGEMON (16:58) whatever gonna watch pokemon now
NOTES YOU SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT:
IF IT'S NOT CLEAR TO BABIES, I am joking about the chat conversation. I mock Angel because I can mock, but this certainly isn't meant to reflect on whatever the guy's actual personality is. And I doubt he's actually into Digimon, as there's not a successful person alive that is also a fan of that show. However, what I put down is actually how the movie went down. Yeah, it's all about the Djinn falling in love, including seeing her best friend for LUV ADVICE (don't worry, it culminated her in wishing for "killer sex," which included some really fucking gross crunching sound effects in a place that wasn't shown to the audience).
This is -easily- the worst Wishmaster film. While there's something to be said for Angel's attempt to do something new to the franchise besides WHOOPS THREE WISHES DEATH, the execution is so goddamned terrible I wish they had done the typical horror sequel deviation and done something like "Wishmaster in the Space Ghetto." Editing is jerky, plotlines go nowhere, and perhaps worst of all for a movie like this, there like 3 or 4 wish kills in the entire film. I mocked the lame characterization in 3, but there's literally no characterization in 4, unless you count everyone's blatant stupidity. I guess if you're 14, the literally ridiculous amounts of nudity (I wasn't joking about the 15-minute strip club scene) sort of make up for this, but to the rest of us it's just going to be like someone dropped a generic Wishmaster film and a generic late-night skin flick into some magical film mixer (for maximum effectiveness, imagine some stereotypical jewish guy panicking around the machine as lights shoot out of it with appropriately wacky music). I couldn't even find any appropriate shots to post, as there's nothing interesting to see in this movie. There's exactly three memorable scenes in the film:
1) Shortly after the Djinn takes over the lawyer's body, he visits the girl and guy, and after small talk, the latter two leave the room. For whatever reason, the Djinn takes an apple from some fruit stand, bites into it, then puts it back on the stand. This is what literally accounts for development in Wishmaster IV.
2) Closing line upon Djinn impaling a bouncer, then throwing him into dumping: "Now, is it Mondays and Wednesdays, or Tuesdays or Thursdays?"
3)
NEXT TIME: I'll try to review a movie I actually enjoy!
Showing posts with label wishmaster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wishmaster. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wishermaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell
What is it about horror sequels that are filmed concurrently? Return of the Living Dead 4 &5 were filmed at the same time, and now, as I decide to review Wishmaster 3, I find out that both it and Wishermaster 4 were also filmed at the same time.
Now, it's not that Wishmaster 1 & 2 were shining achievements of movie genius. For all intents, the original was Wes Craven reallocating some of his Nightmare on Elm Street profits into a new "Monster whose power is creating interesting special effects." Unlike Nightmare on Elm Street, Craven skipped any attempt to make the Wishmaster, an evil genie/djinn who tricks people into wishing, then FLIPS THE WISH SCRIPT. The plot for both movies is negligible, but it had a couple of things going for it, primarily a great deal of awesome SFX setpieces, and the acting of Andrew Divoff as the Djinn, who perfectly captured the lighly gruesome tone of the movie. If you're curious, here's a compilation of the death scenes from the first two movies. The second movie is worse than the first, though I'd argue that Divoff's role, and the intelligence of the film makers to make the sequel basically a complete retread of the first, still makes it entertaining.
Wishmaster 3 focuses on Diane, a TA or something at a college who suffered a Big Tragedy as a kid where her parents were blown up in a car accident that she witnessed. There's a terrible romantic subplot where she can't say that she loves her boyfriend (who is taking the class she is TA-ing in). In a giant warning flag about the level of cinematic excellence, after a nightmare in the opening scene, Diane goes outside just so we can see her erect nipples.
Diane also has to work at the college Museum of Creepy Artifacts, and for some reason is allowed to look at some box that is a direct rip-off of the Lament Configuration from Hellraiser. Djinn is eventually released, and possesses Diane's creepy professor, and here we get to the first big problem of the movie. Jason Connery isn't a terrible actor, but he lacks the crazy bug-eyed scenery chewing of Divoff, and his facial hair just makes him look like a metrosexual version of Robert Patrick from Double Dragon.
I'm not really sure what the Djinn is going for here. He's blackmailing the professor, but it's never made clear how the Djinn would approach the Sociology Chair and Board of Directors with this revelation, since he's a giant evil hell beast. What's weirder about all this is that the script implies that the professor understands what the Djinn is all about with "granting wishes." But whatever, he cracks and decides to go for a carefully worded wish of "two women I find most attractive in the world to be in love with me." This leads to what I assume is Connery's reason for being in the film, as two naked chicks start writhing all over him. Of course, they're actually demons, which doesn't make sense in the context of the wish.
We follow with an awful sex scene between Diane's best friend and her boyfriend behind a couch where a guy is watching MTV (which also gives this movie two and a half nude scenes by the 30 minute mark). Eventually, the Djinn goes to the administration building to find Diane's address, but is cockblocked by an elderly secretary who won't give him Diane's transcript because it's confidential (which is surprisingly accurate, I guess the movie researched FERPA), but of course she wishes that "all these files would go up in flames so I could get the hell out of here." GUESS HOW THIS TURNS OUT, CLEVER VIEWER. It's actually better than you think, as the woman proceeds to open up a file cabinet and get a jet of flames right to the face.
What follows is 20 minutes of Diane going SOMETHING IS WRONG and everyone going NOPE YOU CRAZY, until for some reason the Djinn reveals himself in front of Diane's boyfriend. He and Diane flee to a church, where the Djinn is waiting for them, along with Random Slut #1. Diane refuses to wish citing that the Djinn can't hurt them without a wish being made, to which the Djinn is all "thas cool oh btw Random Slut #1 already made a wish wanted to lose some weight want to wish nao? :3" She refuses at first, so we get a vomiting scene that less gross than that from City of the Living Dead. Diane, being a retarded bint, gives in and wishes to end Random Slut #1's pain, which goes about how you'd think.
She then makes the second wish, which suddenly propels this movie from a crappy sequel to utter disaster: "I wish to invoke the spirit of St. Michael to help me." Yes. That is the wish. The Djinn actually grants this one, but apparently the spirit has to inhabit a body. Initially she gets possessed, but then the boyfriend shoves her out of the way. And lo, Greg the Boyfriend gets blue contacts, and super-deep voice, and a curvy-bladed sword that was bought for 59.99 at some craft store. Djinn transforms into his demon form, and a pretty goddamned embarassing fight proceeds, where the Djinn throws a pew at Michael, and Michael reverses with a armflip into the altar.
The final 30 minutes of the film alternate between Diane and Michael the Angel running from the Djinn (occasionally with Michael berating Diane about her dumb fucking decisions), while he randomly kills her friends. The rundown includes:
Oh and in the end Diana realizes that she could just kill herself before making the third wish, but then the Djinn catches her arm just before she throws herself off a building. She then telepathically grab Michael's sword, stabs the Djinn, both fall and die but Michael just casts Life 3 and yay everyone lives again.
So, what is there to say? If you get the mien to watch a movie directed by someone actually named Chris Angel, use that handy thumbnail function on the Netflix instant viewer to find the death scenes, as there is nothing else going for this movie. Still, it at least had the wisdom to retain the whole basic plotline, which is better than I can say for Wishmaster IV, which is literally a romance involving the Djinn. NOPE. NOT KIDDING.
Now, it's not that Wishmaster 1 & 2 were shining achievements of movie genius. For all intents, the original was Wes Craven reallocating some of his Nightmare on Elm Street profits into a new "Monster whose power is creating interesting special effects." Unlike Nightmare on Elm Street, Craven skipped any attempt to make the Wishmaster, an evil genie/djinn who tricks people into wishing, then FLIPS THE WISH SCRIPT. The plot for both movies is negligible, but it had a couple of things going for it, primarily a great deal of awesome SFX setpieces, and the acting of Andrew Divoff as the Djinn, who perfectly captured the lighly gruesome tone of the movie. If you're curious, here's a compilation of the death scenes from the first two movies. The second movie is worse than the first, though I'd argue that Divoff's role, and the intelligence of the film makers to make the sequel basically a complete retread of the first, still makes it entertaining.
Wishmaster 3 focuses on Diane, a TA or something at a college who suffered a Big Tragedy as a kid where her parents were blown up in a car accident that she witnessed. There's a terrible romantic subplot where she can't say that she loves her boyfriend (who is taking the class she is TA-ing in). In a giant warning flag about the level of cinematic excellence, after a nightmare in the opening scene, Diane goes outside just so we can see her erect nipples.
Diane also has to work at the college Museum of Creepy Artifacts, and for some reason is allowed to look at some box that is a direct rip-off of the Lament Configuration from Hellraiser. Djinn is eventually released, and possesses Diane's creepy professor, and here we get to the first big problem of the movie. Jason Connery isn't a terrible actor, but he lacks the crazy bug-eyed scenery chewing of Divoff, and his facial hair just makes him look like a metrosexual version of Robert Patrick from Double Dragon.
The confrontation between the Djinn and Creepy Professor is one of the better/worse parts of the movie. After Diane leaves the Professor after his terrible come-on, the Djinn just appears and glides across the floor. Djinn demands to find the person woke him (the central theme of every Wishmaster theme being that the person who unleashed the Djinn must make three wishes, thereupon a shitload of Djinn will awake and rule the earth), and he refuses. Djinn first offers him some hot women, but when he hesitates, we get this:
I'm not really sure what the Djinn is going for here. He's blackmailing the professor, but it's never made clear how the Djinn would approach the Sociology Chair and Board of Directors with this revelation, since he's a giant evil hell beast. What's weirder about all this is that the script implies that the professor understands what the Djinn is all about with "granting wishes." But whatever, he cracks and decides to go for a carefully worded wish of "two women I find most attractive in the world to be in love with me." This leads to what I assume is Connery's reason for being in the film, as two naked chicks start writhing all over him. Of course, they're actually demons, which doesn't make sense in the context of the wish.
We follow with an awful sex scene between Diane's best friend and her boyfriend behind a couch where a guy is watching MTV (which also gives this movie two and a half nude scenes by the 30 minute mark). Eventually, the Djinn goes to the administration building to find Diane's address, but is cockblocked by an elderly secretary who won't give him Diane's transcript because it's confidential (which is surprisingly accurate, I guess the movie researched FERPA), but of course she wishes that "all these files would go up in flames so I could get the hell out of here." GUESS HOW THIS TURNS OUT, CLEVER VIEWER. It's actually better than you think, as the woman proceeds to open up a file cabinet and get a jet of flames right to the face.
WOOMPH
What follows is 20 minutes of Diane going SOMETHING IS WRONG and everyone going NOPE YOU CRAZY, until for some reason the Djinn reveals himself in front of Diane's boyfriend. He and Diane flee to a church, where the Djinn is waiting for them, along with Random Slut #1. Diane refuses to wish citing that the Djinn can't hurt them without a wish being made, to which the Djinn is all "thas cool oh btw Random Slut #1 already made a wish wanted to lose some weight want to wish nao? :3" She refuses at first, so we get a vomiting scene that less gross than that from City of the Living Dead. Diane, being a retarded bint, gives in and wishes to end Random Slut #1's pain, which goes about how you'd think.
She then makes the second wish, which suddenly propels this movie from a crappy sequel to utter disaster: "I wish to invoke the spirit of St. Michael to help me." Yes. That is the wish. The Djinn actually grants this one, but apparently the spirit has to inhabit a body. Initially she gets possessed, but then the boyfriend shoves her out of the way. And lo, Greg the Boyfriend gets blue contacts, and super-deep voice, and a curvy-bladed sword that was bought for 59.99 at some craft store. Djinn transforms into his demon form, and a pretty goddamned embarassing fight proceeds, where the Djinn throws a pew at Michael, and Michael reverses with a armflip into the altar.
LOOK AT THIS GODDAMNED SWORD
The final 30 minutes of the film alternate between Diane and Michael the Angel running from the Djinn (occasionally with Michael berating Diane about her dumb fucking decisions), while he randomly kills her friends. The rundown includes:
- Random Slut #2 wishes for heart to be broken, which features a really bad cross-section of her heart exploding, like a Ghost being exploded in Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt. Which basically makes me wish I was watching that instead (Stocking is mai waifu).
NON DES KAAAAAAAAH
- Diane's best friend's boyfriend gets beaten up by the Djinn, eventually wishing for the Djinn to "Blow Him," which culminates in him getting floated in front of the Djinn, who literally blows him into a bull statue.
- Finally the best friend, which features the most brutal kill in the series. Djinn chases her into some animal research lab. She hides from him in some cabinet, and for some reason, the Djinn just gives up and leaves the room. In possibly the worst decision of the series, she calls Diane and says "I wish there was somewhere to hide." For some reason this instantly summons the Djinn, who carries her across the lab and stuffs her head into a rat cage, telling her "NO ONE WILL FIND YOU IN HERE LOL." Now, while it's not like the Wishmaster series has high logic standards to uphold, but I don't think being stuffed in a rat cage really works as a place to hide in any connotation, especially as Diana immediately finds her.
Oh and in the end Diana realizes that she could just kill herself before making the third wish, but then the Djinn catches her arm just before she throws herself off a building. She then telepathically grab Michael's sword, stabs the Djinn, both fall and die but Michael just casts Life 3 and yay everyone lives again.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WISHMASTER III
So, what is there to say? If you get the mien to watch a movie directed by someone actually named Chris Angel, use that handy thumbnail function on the Netflix instant viewer to find the death scenes, as there is nothing else going for this movie. Still, it at least had the wisdom to retain the whole basic plotline, which is better than I can say for Wishmaster IV, which is literally a romance involving the Djinn. NOPE. NOT KIDDING.
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