Now, it's not that Wishmaster 1 & 2 were shining achievements of movie genius. For all intents, the original was Wes Craven reallocating some of his Nightmare on Elm Street profits into a new "Monster whose power is creating interesting special effects." Unlike Nightmare on Elm Street, Craven skipped any attempt to make the Wishmaster, an evil genie/djinn who tricks people into wishing, then FLIPS THE WISH SCRIPT. The plot for both movies is negligible, but it had a couple of things going for it, primarily a great deal of awesome SFX setpieces, and the acting of Andrew Divoff as the Djinn, who perfectly captured the lighly gruesome tone of the movie. If you're curious, here's a compilation of the death scenes from the first two movies. The second movie is worse than the first, though I'd argue that Divoff's role, and the intelligence of the film makers to make the sequel basically a complete retread of the first, still makes it entertaining.
Wishmaster 3 focuses on Diane, a TA or something at a college who suffered a Big Tragedy as a kid where her parents were blown up in a car accident that she witnessed. There's a terrible romantic subplot where she can't say that she loves her boyfriend (who is taking the class she is TA-ing in). In a giant warning flag about the level of cinematic excellence, after a nightmare in the opening scene, Diane goes outside just so we can see her erect nipples.
Diane also has to work at the college Museum of Creepy Artifacts, and for some reason is allowed to look at some box that is a direct rip-off of the Lament Configuration from Hellraiser. Djinn is eventually released, and possesses Diane's creepy professor, and here we get to the first big problem of the movie. Jason Connery isn't a terrible actor, but he lacks the crazy bug-eyed scenery chewing of Divoff, and his facial hair just makes him look like a metrosexual version of Robert Patrick from Double Dragon.
The confrontation between the Djinn and Creepy Professor is one of the better/worse parts of the movie. After Diane leaves the Professor after his terrible come-on, the Djinn just appears and glides across the floor. Djinn demands to find the person woke him (the central theme of every Wishmaster theme being that the person who unleashed the Djinn must make three wishes, thereupon a shitload of Djinn will awake and rule the earth), and he refuses. Djinn first offers him some hot women, but when he hesitates, we get this:
I'm not really sure what the Djinn is going for here. He's blackmailing the professor, but it's never made clear how the Djinn would approach the Sociology Chair and Board of Directors with this revelation, since he's a giant evil hell beast. What's weirder about all this is that the script implies that the professor understands what the Djinn is all about with "granting wishes." But whatever, he cracks and decides to go for a carefully worded wish of "two women I find most attractive in the world to be in love with me." This leads to what I assume is Connery's reason for being in the film, as two naked chicks start writhing all over him. Of course, they're actually demons, which doesn't make sense in the context of the wish.
We follow with an awful sex scene between Diane's best friend and her boyfriend behind a couch where a guy is watching MTV (which also gives this movie two and a half nude scenes by the 30 minute mark). Eventually, the Djinn goes to the administration building to find Diane's address, but is cockblocked by an elderly secretary who won't give him Diane's transcript because it's confidential (which is surprisingly accurate, I guess the movie researched FERPA), but of course she wishes that "all these files would go up in flames so I could get the hell out of here." GUESS HOW THIS TURNS OUT, CLEVER VIEWER. It's actually better than you think, as the woman proceeds to open up a file cabinet and get a jet of flames right to the face.
WOOMPH
What follows is 20 minutes of Diane going SOMETHING IS WRONG and everyone going NOPE YOU CRAZY, until for some reason the Djinn reveals himself in front of Diane's boyfriend. He and Diane flee to a church, where the Djinn is waiting for them, along with Random Slut #1. Diane refuses to wish citing that the Djinn can't hurt them without a wish being made, to which the Djinn is all "thas cool oh btw Random Slut #1 already made a wish wanted to lose some weight want to wish nao? :3" She refuses at first, so we get a vomiting scene that less gross than that from City of the Living Dead. Diane, being a retarded bint, gives in and wishes to end Random Slut #1's pain, which goes about how you'd think.
She then makes the second wish, which suddenly propels this movie from a crappy sequel to utter disaster: "I wish to invoke the spirit of St. Michael to help me." Yes. That is the wish. The Djinn actually grants this one, but apparently the spirit has to inhabit a body. Initially she gets possessed, but then the boyfriend shoves her out of the way. And lo, Greg the Boyfriend gets blue contacts, and super-deep voice, and a curvy-bladed sword that was bought for 59.99 at some craft store. Djinn transforms into his demon form, and a pretty goddamned embarassing fight proceeds, where the Djinn throws a pew at Michael, and Michael reverses with a armflip into the altar.
LOOK AT THIS GODDAMNED SWORD
The final 30 minutes of the film alternate between Diane and Michael the Angel running from the Djinn (occasionally with Michael berating Diane about her dumb fucking decisions), while he randomly kills her friends. The rundown includes:
- Random Slut #2 wishes for heart to be broken, which features a really bad cross-section of her heart exploding, like a Ghost being exploded in Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt. Which basically makes me wish I was watching that instead (Stocking is mai waifu).
NON DES KAAAAAAAAH
- Diane's best friend's boyfriend gets beaten up by the Djinn, eventually wishing for the Djinn to "Blow Him," which culminates in him getting floated in front of the Djinn, who literally blows him into a bull statue.
- Finally the best friend, which features the most brutal kill in the series. Djinn chases her into some animal research lab. She hides from him in some cabinet, and for some reason, the Djinn just gives up and leaves the room. In possibly the worst decision of the series, she calls Diane and says "I wish there was somewhere to hide." For some reason this instantly summons the Djinn, who carries her across the lab and stuffs her head into a rat cage, telling her "NO ONE WILL FIND YOU IN HERE LOL." Now, while it's not like the Wishmaster series has high logic standards to uphold, but I don't think being stuffed in a rat cage really works as a place to hide in any connotation, especially as Diana immediately finds her.
Oh and in the end Diana realizes that she could just kill herself before making the third wish, but then the Djinn catches her arm just before she throws herself off a building. She then telepathically grab Michael's sword, stabs the Djinn, both fall and die but Michael just casts Life 3 and yay everyone lives again.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WISHMASTER III
So, what is there to say? If you get the mien to watch a movie directed by someone actually named Chris Angel, use that handy thumbnail function on the Netflix instant viewer to find the death scenes, as there is nothing else going for this movie. Still, it at least had the wisdom to retain the whole basic plotline, which is better than I can say for Wishmaster IV, which is literally a romance involving the Djinn. NOPE. NOT KIDDING.
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