Wishmaster IV: THE SOMETHING SOMETHING

I was planning to do a conventional review of Wishmaster IV, but a few days ago an anonymous reader sent me a rather disturbing message and attachment.  I've sat on it a few days, as it involves a private communication on October 01, 2001, between who can only assume to be Wishmaster IV's director, Chris Angel under the handle "BIGANGEMON," and the screenwriter, John Benjamin Martin, under the handle "Mbird."  I have not edited the conversation in any way except for the sake of clarity.

BIGANGEMON (14:29) MARTIN MAN WE GOT A PROBLEM
BIGANGEMON (14:29) MARTIN GET ON HURRY
Mbird (14:30) What's the problem, Chris?
BIGANGEMON (1431) OH HOLD ON THE NEW EPISODE OF DIGIMON TAMERS IS ON HOLD ON A SECOND HOLY SHIT
Mbird (14:31) Okay.
BIGANGEMON (15:05) okay sorry man digimon is awesome i wish renamon was real
Mbird (15:06) Who is a renamon?
BIGANGEMON (15:08) don't worry about that man we got a problem Artisan didn't like the script I offered for Wishmaster IV and now I need a new idea HURRY
Mbird (15:08) What didn't they like?
BIGANGEMON (15:09) they were like "you just copy pasted new names onto the wishmaster iii script" and i said "well i'm filming it at the same time as that what did you think you hollywood fatcats but whatever I've got john bman martin on my side he'll think of something"
BIGANGEMON (15:11) SO THINK OF SOMETHING PLZ MAN
Mbird (15:13) Well, actually, it's sort of funny.  I just watched this really good sequel to Hellraiser called "Hellraiser: Inferno," which sort of took the basic themes around the Hellraiser movies and created something different but really good with that mythos.  Maybe something like that?
BIGANGEMON (15:13) wait like a romance
Mbird (15:14) No, it was still horror, but it was about the notions of sin and guilt that are in every  Hellraiser film, or at least every good one.
BIGANGEMON (15:15) I know that fgt i meant like a horror/romance idea omg hold on
Mbird (15:15) okay.
BIGANGEMON (15:24) So what about a movie where the Jim falls in love with a woman??
Mbird (15:27) You mean a Djinn, right?  I don't know exactly what you mean.
BIGANGEMON (15:30) yeah djinn whatever so yeah tell me what you think about this
BIGANGEMON (15:33) so we can have this hot woman whose with this sexy biker, but then the biker get in some accident and he's crippled and crippled people don't want to have sex right???
Mbird (15:34) I don't think that's right, Chris.
BIGANGEMON (15:34) whatever don't want to make those crips mad rite lol
BIGANGEMON (15:37) well anyway he doesn't want to have sex and there can be like a lawyer whose working on the case and he has the big ruby for some reason and that wakes the djinn up
Mbird (15:38) I'm afraid I don't really understand.  Why would he have the stone?
BIGANGEMON (15:40) I dunno man ur the writer lol whatever well just have some nude scenes that'll distract the cripples lol

Mbird (15:41) So, I assume the lawyer get possessed and everything by the Djinn.  What were you thinking next?
BIGANGEMON (15:43) okay first he will get her to wish for the case to be settled and there can be a scene where the djinn calls the other lawyer and makes him sign the contract and then kill himself
Mbird (15:43) Wait, the Djinn kills the lawyer he's possessing?
BIGANGEMON (15:44) no man lol the other opposing lawyer
Mbird (15:46) No offense, but that doesn't make alot of sense.  I mean, why would wishing for the case to be settled involve the death of the opposing lawyer you know what nevermind.  What's next?
 BIGANGEMON (15:48) Well then a bunch of scenes where the girl and djinn flirt for like 30 minutes, maybe some kills I guess but really I want this to be all about the romance you know a real beuty and the beast scenario oh yeah and she can have her second wish be the wheelchair guy walking again
Mbird (15:49) I can kind of see that, yeah.  So wait, does he have the husband walk off a staircase into a fire or something?
BIGANGEMON (15:50) No i was just thinking he writhes around on the floor for like ten minutes and then he walks
Mbird (15:50) Uh, okay.
Mbird (15:51) But wait, if he walks again, wouldn't that ruin the whole lawsuit even if there was a settlement?
BIGANGEMON (15:53) rofl who cares
BIGANGEMON (15:54) so okay, here's the clincher she and the djinn are about to kiss but she stops and says something liek "I wish I could love you for who you are."
Mbird (15:55) ...so the Djinn wins?
BIGANGEMON (15:56) Nope cause see for who he really is he'd have to turn into the monster form and that's impossible or something
Mbird (15:57) huh?
BIGANGEMON (15:58) Well we can have some other djinns appear and they can explain it
BIGANGEMON (15:59) oooooh other idea
BIGANGEMON (15:59) remember how I had the angel michael in the third movie and that was so great right?
Mbird (16:00) You know I was meaning to talk to you about that.
BIGANGEMON (16:01) well what if we had another angel called the HUNTER who appears and tries to kill the woman because then you can't have evil djinn take over
BIGANGEMON (16:03) and meanwhile djinn tries to figure out how to get the girl to lover her while he's starting to love her back oh man
Mbird (16:05) Yeah, like the Djinn can go to the girl's friend and try to figure it out over coffee.
BIGANGEMON (16:05) YEAH MAN THAT'S GREAT
BIGANGEMON (16:06) WRITING THAT SHIT DOWN IN MY NOTEBOOK RIGHT NOW
Mbird (16:08) Good to hear.  So, you mentioned a Hunter Angel trying to kill the girl to prevent the Djinn takeover.  How does that figure into things?
BIGANGEMON (16:08) sword fight with djinn in a park
BIGANGEMON (16:08) hunter loses
BIGANGEMON (16:09) also thinking of having a 15 minute strip club scene
Mbird (16:14) So, how were you thinking of ending this?
BIGANGEMON (16:15) uh, like another awesome sex scene between girl and the djinn, but girl still don't want to love, then a bunch of the other djinns appear and make bookcases fall down
BIGANGEMON (16:17) then other guy appears, makes wish to have way to kill djinn, so he gets the hunter's sword right but djinn kills him anyway but then she pushes him into the sword while it's still in the other guy and then she walks away I guess
BIGANGEMON (16:18) so yeah just put this all together and give it to me in a week and this'll be our big break man
MBird (16:20) i wish i was dead
BIGANGEMON (16:20) GRANTED LOL
BIGANGEMON (16: 27) john?
BIGANGEMON (16: 56) u there man?
BIGANGEMON (16:58) whatever gonna watch pokemon now

NOTES YOU SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT:

IF IT'S NOT CLEAR TO BABIES, I am joking about the chat conversation.  I mock Angel because I can mock, but this certainly isn't meant to reflect on whatever the guy's actual personality is.  And I doubt he's actually into Digimon, as there's not a successful person alive that is also a fan of that show. However, what I put down is actually how the movie went down.  Yeah, it's all about the Djinn falling in love, including seeing her best friend for LUV ADVICE (don't worry, it culminated her in wishing for "killer sex," which included some really fucking gross crunching sound effects in a place that wasn't shown to the audience).

This is -easily- the worst Wishmaster film.  While there's something to be said for Angel's attempt to do something new to the franchise besides WHOOPS THREE WISHES DEATH, the execution is so goddamned terrible I wish they had done the typical horror sequel deviation and done something like "Wishmaster in the Space Ghetto."  Editing is jerky, plotlines go nowhere, and perhaps worst of all for a movie like this, there like 3 or 4 wish kills in the entire film.  I mocked the lame characterization in 3, but there's literally no characterization in 4, unless you count everyone's blatant stupidity.  I guess if you're 14, the literally ridiculous amounts of nudity (I wasn't joking about the 15-minute strip club scene) sort of make up for this, but to the rest of us it's just going to be like someone dropped a generic Wishmaster film and a generic late-night skin flick into some magical film mixer (for maximum effectiveness, imagine some stereotypical jewish guy panicking around the machine as lights shoot out of it with appropriately wacky music).  I couldn't even find any appropriate shots to post, as there's nothing interesting to see in this movie.  There's exactly three memorable scenes in the film:

1) Shortly after the Djinn takes over the lawyer's body, he visits the girl and guy, and after small talk, the latter two leave the room.  For whatever reason, the Djinn takes an apple from some fruit stand, bites into it, then puts it back on the stand.  This is what literally accounts for development in Wishmaster IV.

2) Closing line upon Djinn impaling a bouncer, then throwing him into dumping: "Now, is it Mondays and Wednesdays, or Tuesdays or Thursdays?"

3)



NEXT TIME: I'll try to review a movie I actually enjoy!