so how about the lisa foiles feature for the escapist

Good Christ.  Lisa's columns on Kotaku were pandering, awful shit, but at least I only had to get past the one HEY LOOK AT ME GIRL GAMER picture per article to just laugh at the terrible humor content.  Now, of course, there's her new series on The Escapist, where bad video game humor goes in the hopes that it will get legions of mouthbreathing fanboys like Yahtzee and TGWTG.

Lisa's new video series is, get ready, a weekly Top 5.  On one of the few message boards I go to on a regular basis, there was a former staff contributor from Cracked who quit from the soul-sucking preoccupation that alot of mainstream humor has with Top X humor.  According to him (and it's hard to argue with him with the evidence), nothing text-based can get remotely as much traffic as a Top X list.  Well, except for a Top XXX list that involves breasts.  So, I'd like you to guess what Lisa was wearing, and how often she hopped while slightly bent over in her 5-minute review.

There are only really two mysteries to Lisa at this point.

1) Who are these fucking nerds kidding?  Reading over Escapist comments for Lisa's video was slightly akin to standing next to the aisle of a porn theater that has turned its lights on, mid-feature, to an audience of well-to-do gentlemen.  Nobody is lascivious or perverted, but instead all follow the same basic feature: "Boy, I was worried she was just another pretty face, but instead she was really funny and made me forget how I would tie her up and force her to lick my Limited Edition Master Chief helmet!"  Oops, that last part was my genetic traits picking up pathetic mental energies over the internet.

Maybe you giant babies love lists so much that you would watch them even if it was done by some beard commander enchilada supreme you'd still laugh and go post your feeble comments.  But I cannot, nay, I REFUSE to believe that anyone would have given a shit about Foiles'  video if it had not been presented by an attractive petite.  Ignore Lisa's awkward arm movements, and try to focus your mind towards the actual content.  Every joke is basically just "hey video games."  Lisa can't even sustain a Penny-Arcade HM VIDEO GAMES ARE QUITE DISPARATE FROM REAL LIFE joke.  Hell, even her list was stupid: Only a complete poser would have a "Top Five Sexiest Glasses" and not include Lucca, and sure as hell would not have fucking DUKE NUKEM or WESKER.  Waaaaaaagh.

But no, I'm sure Escapist bootlickers would steadfastly refuse that Foiles's bimbo act would have any part in their enjoyment of this piece of high-class entertainment.  A few tried to argue that Lisa was actually parodying the bimbo/Top 10 aspect, to which I say, "No she didn't, you pathetic liar."

2) How much of this shittyness is planned?  Could Lisa really be a sort of analogue of the female writers of times past, pretending a deference and lower intellect while in reality she is truly a greater wit than us all?  Well, change "truly a greater wit than us all" to "moderately clever," and I'd say it's certainly possible.  Even if she's not really funny, she certainly got the pathetic nerd business landscape down, having formed a fanbase on Kotaku, IGN, and now Escapist.  I'm sure she's already in negotiations with TGWTG (EDIT: whoops, angry joe, truth to say i've never actually seen a thing on tgwtg because i'm not a dick nose, song and dancen).

Now, returning to that Cracked writer, you can see where I'm going.  Lisa could very well be aware that game journalism and humor is ultimately a fucked up horrible thing to begin with, so why not put in minimal effort that, paradoxically will get the most profitable responses?  As I've noted before, the great thing about slutting out for nerds is that you have to show less skin than you would for most other audiences, as long as you can pretend to like Street Fighter.  And again, while I rage about her lack of humor, it's not like there's really any funny video game humor, and columns are apparently a binary choice between "hey do you like games where you can kick really high girls rule ^_^" and "THE SOOTHING DIALECTIC IN A ONE CREDIT CLEAR IN DODONPACHI."  At least there's more honesty in the former, especially within its audience.  I'm not saying she's spoofing the whole game girl bimbo thing, but rather that she refined it into some sort of plutonium powered laser beam that is currently burrowing into the earth's core, where her Amazon wishlist has been chained for a millenia.

Or maybe she's just a dumb idiot.  Either way, this is your New Heaven Salesman, and Eagles of Death Metal sound just a little too much like Led Zeppelin to enjoy it.